Thursday, September 13, 2012

Who wants Christina Aguilera's career dead?

Certainly not me. I love Xtina to bits, though she's probably the most dislikable popstar in the game. It's a tie with Gaga, though. Well, Xtina's got that white trash attitude I can' help but love.

On Wednesday, the queen of latex onesies graced the plebeian beings we all are with her presence (or her assistant's) on Twitter. How 2012. Several announcements were made regarding her upcoming releases: 

- New single Your Body will be released on Friday, with the video premiering next Monday
- The album will be released in November under the name Lotus
- It's about being strong and overcoming everything blah blah blah

Now please stop whatever it is you're doing and take a minute to think. 
You're a marketing executive and your job is to release the new Christina Aguilera album. The woman's previous record was one of the most embarrassing flops in recent pop history, the campaign was a disaster from A to Z (remember what I wrote about it here), but thankfully she featured on one of last year's biggest hits, Maroon 5's Move Like Jagger. 
So you'd probably try to follow this success with great music, a new, classier image, maybe a little less sexual, more elegant (remember the whole Not Myself Tonight fiasco??).

Maybe you'd play it safe with an established producer, since pairing Xtina with up and coming ones on Bionic didn't really turn out to be the best idea (shed crushed them and their -mostly- fantastic songs). Settle for Max Martin, he probably has a few song Katy Perry didn't want.

Anyway, you'd try to put this trainwreck back on track.

But all you can come up with is:  ALL I WANNA DO IS FUCK YOUR BODY.
Well done everyone.
The song itself isn't half bad, it's a grower and has something quite cool about it, but it's in no way the song she needs to come back after the whole Bionic debacle. 

Then, you let the track leak weeks ahead of its release. In the meantime, shoot a video where Xtina looks like a 10$ hooker (evidence below).

After that, name the album Lotus. Don't make any research to check if it's not the name of the most popular toilet paper brand in France, for example. Not knowing about this pretty hilarious fact, PLEASE shoot the cover art for the single with the singer literally WRAPPED in toilet paper (or is it a curtain?). FULL CIRCLE.

Well done everyone. 
Frankly, I'm wondering: who the hell wants poor Xtina's career in the dumper? Probably herself, but she might not realize it yet.

No comments: